How kids attach in the first six years

Gordon Neufeld’s Six Sequential Phases of Attachment shows us how attachment should ideally unfold over the first six years of life.

The six ways of attaching are:

1. Senses

2. Sameness

3. Belonging

4. Significance

5. Feeling

6. Being known.

"Each sequential phase should add greater complexity and depth to a child's capacity to attach to others. Each phase should deliver a new form of pursuing someone and being able to hold them close. The more ways a child can keep their attachments close, the greater the fuel for their growth into separate, adaptive, and social beings. Although children are born with the capacity for relationship, their attachment instincts need to be activated by consistent and predictable care. It is never too late for attachment potential to be realised, even if it didn't unfold in the first six years of life."

- Deborah Macnamara, Rest Play Grow.

How Kids Attach in the First Six Years

0-1 Years - Attaching through the sense

Our babies are sensory beings. In the first year of life they attach to us through touching, smelling, seeing, hearing and tasting. Bottomless cuddles and frequent physical contact is needed to build attachment at this level. Hold your babies. Through consistent, relaxed responsiveness you are literally wiring your baby’s brain to be a relational being.

1-2 years Attaching through Sameness

After their first year, our kiddos begin to attach to their favourite people by imitation and mimicking. Being the ‘same as’ is a means of holding you close. Focusing on similarities between your child and you will be their love language, as they begin to form an identity through yours. 

2-3 years Attaching through Belonging

In the third year, our kiddos attach to us through a fierce sense of belonging and loyalty. They may become possessive of those special people and things they hold close (“MY MUMMY!”). Strengthen your connection with your child by ‘claiming’ them, e.g. “where’s my girl?!”

3-4 years Attaching through Significance

From around 3yo, our kiddos feel a deep sense of closeness to their attachment figures through feeling significant; that is, they truly matter. Deepen your attachment by delighting in your child, without them having to ask for it: ensure repeated experiences that make them feel important. 

4-5 years Attaching through Feeling

Around 4yo, our kiddos find closeness through feelings: warm, loving, affectionate feelings. They give their hearts to those they feel attached to and fall in love with you. Allow them to rest in your unconditional love and affection. The deeper this emotional intimacy they have with you, the better your kiddo can hold onto you during times of separation.

5-6 years Attaching through being known

At around 5yo, your kiddo will move into the final phase of attaching through being known. They can now realise that they can keep their thoughts and feelings concealed, choosing whether they share. They learn how to lie, and how they can share secrets with those close to them. Help them to feel safe to share their secrets with you.

Want to learn more about attachment and supporting your kiddos with sleep? Check out my Sleep Guide here.