Sleep ‘regressions’ are not what it says on the tin

There you are loving on your new little babe, cruising through those intense but wholesome newborn days, in that blissful bubble of cuddles and life when those wholesome vibes are suddenly interrupted with someone dropping the following…

“Enjoy it while you can, cos the four month regression is closing in on you!!”

From that moment forward you believe you are counting down the days to armageddon, because as the name suggests everything you and baby have been cruising along doing thus far, mostly sleep related, according to all sources is about to go to sh*t.

The algorithm is suddenly out to get you as your baby ticks over three months and red light warnings appear everywhere to hurry you along and get on top of good sleep habits now or forever pay the price. You must teach them to self settle, link sleep cycles and get onto a schedule, or you will this ‘regression’ won’t end. Aw, shit.

From that time forward if you believe the interwebs advice you will be entering into, actually in, or just getting out of a regression forever more so you better buckle up and fix that baby good and proper with a little bit of sleep training before the shit hits the fan. Just a few hard nights, yeah?

… Wasn't just me?!? Good I’m glad, well not glad you're in the spiralling panic of impending sleep doom, but glad you're here so I can fill you in on what is actually going on for your baby and therefore you. 

Let's start at the beginning of all this nonsense but first can you do me a favour -  just take a deep breath and let go of any BS you might have heard about “regressions” up until now, and let me paint you a new picture. 

IT'S ALL IN THE NAME

The term regression itself sort of implies that things are about to go backwards, but we haven’t birthed Benjamin Button guys have we? Our infants develop in one direction, from less complex to more complex, from immature to mature. 

The term regression actually refers to a time of incredible developmental growth (physical, cognitive and socio-emotional). So much so that the term progression would be and is a more accurate description of what is going on for our babies. 

The focus in the wide world of infant sleep is all on how these progressive moments affect sleep and how getting zzzzzz’s is about to go horribly wrong. 

Yet you need to remember that sleep changes are a continuum, affected by a myriad of things across our infants lifespan, not a set date on a calendar (read more about biologically normal infant sleep HERE). What is actually happening during these development “progressions” is a whole lot of physical, emotional-social and cognitive changes that affect sleep as a side product. SO despite the name “sleep regression” sleep is not the changing factor or target, it just sometimes comes along for the ride.

For sure within the first few months of an infant's life their shifts from REM to NREM sleep states that occur but there is actually no evidence of these dropping like it's hot at exactly four months. 

If you stay attuned to your infant during these “progressions” what you will start to notice is that almost overnight their coordination suddenly spurts, their language develops immediately, or they suddenly start to crawl/walk/climb when this was not possible when you tucked them into bed the night before. You will see it’s not sleep going to sh*t but that they are busting out new skills as their neurons rapidly fire together. Your baby’s brain is on overdrive, fusing, remembering, building upon these new skills. What you are witnessing and experiencing are positive CHANGES in your baby's brain, and what's regressive about that?

Sleep is not about to vanish forever at 4/6/8/12 months because sleep is ever evolving development throughout infancy, through childhood and into adulthood. Infant sleep can just as equally improve at these junctures or be more challenging at stages outside of this too. This idea that there is a fixed date upon which sleep self combusts forever throws so much anxiety onto the shoulders of mothers as we are given a countdown and we are told we must fix things NOW before this dreaded date on the calendar arrives.  

So, from here on forward when you read the word regression anywhere on your travels take off the RE and flip it to PRO and realise this is just a normal developmental change that is taking your baby from cooing newborn into rad little dude and onwards. 

DON’T FEAR THE PROGRESSION

These sleep “re”gressions are marketing gold for the sleep training industry, If they didn't draw you in by 4 months then they sit back and wait for the 6 month, 8 month, 18 month progressions. They continually point out that if you don’t get on board with their “guaranteed 12 hours solid sleep in three days” programme before this date arrives you will be pulled into a deep regressive hell of sleep torture.  So you better heed their advice now and all will be well and you will certainly be a better mother with a very “good” baby (insert smirk).

I’ve said a lot on what I think about sleep training on this platform and the BS that comes along with it, but let me reiterate. Leaving a baby alone to cry, to learn “self soothe” (spoiler: that's not even a real thing!) does not stop the brain development from happening, it does not stop the rapid firing together of neurons, it does not stop your baby being keen as beans to practise their new skills day and night, what it teaches them in moments when they actually need you close is that you're not going to be there.  

My experience

I remember it well with my first. Hearing the world encouraging me to cuddle and hold my baby close then at 4 months - BAM overnight the advice was if they aren't self settling or linking their sleep cycles by now - you MUST quit that “rod for your own back” behaviour and sleep train. 

There is a shift in those early months as our infants' brains mature and I remember panicking that I have F’d up my kids sleep and desperately trying to get on top of “good sleep habits” before hitting the four month sleep regression. It was miserable and anxiety provoking and I wish I could go back and give less shits. Even now at seven, despite the wonderful guide that leads us through these leaps stopping at 18 months, my son still ebbs and flows through development and sometimes sleep disturbance is a by-product. Its natural, it's normal and it's how their little brains are made to work. 

THAT APP/BOOK WE ALL DOWNLOAD

It can be really nice, particularly as a first time mama to really understand where your baby is at developmentally and to be aware of when these leaps in cognition are on the horizon, so I fully comprehend why the world and his dog would want to know.

For some it can be fun, for most it's anxiety provoking given that it makes us constantly look ahead, compare our infant to their specific timeline and forget to attune to the child in front of us.

While following these leaps and understanding where your baby is at can be a nice thing to learn by helping mamas let go of the need to “fix” every emotion when they understand that their little one is traversing the frustration of trying to learn a new skill, and they realise that they aren't doing anything wrong as a mama, there is a flip side to this.

I see it often following leaps and developmental stages having the undesired effect of giving up on our babies and putting every cry or emotion down to the leap. What it can do is have us not really attuning to what your baby is trying to tell you which can be something completely unrelated to acquiring these new skills. 

DON'T FORGET WE ARE HUMAN

We are human, we are all different from one another, life is not rigid, we don't fit into boxes, as much as society tries to squeeze us into them. The same is true for our babies- there is no right or wrong, there is no exact day or pathway that each infant travels along. Your baby is unique and maybe one who will be more affected by these developmental leaps or perhaps on the other end of the scale and cruise through them unawares that they have suddenly just learned to say mama. 

My son was really affected during a leap - there were noticeable mood swings and a lot of general unsettledness.  My daughter on the other hand I noticed that she was a little bit off, realised she was in a leap and that was the extent of it, every child is so different. How your baby approaches sleep at any time during their development or during these leaps will depend on so many different factors. Their temperament (read more on that HERE), their environment, what is going on in the family unit. 

What I am trying to say is that the impending sleep doom you are being told about might actually never come. 

WHEN ARE THEY HAPPENING

So let's break down some of the most commonly heard of “progressions” and find out what is actually going on during these developmental spurts beyond sleep and try and join the dots about why sleep might be a little bit wayward. 

Remember though not all babies are the same, not all babies develop in synchronicity so use this as a guide rather than gospel!

3-5 monthS

Hellllooooooo world around me!

Your baby becomes so much more aware of their surroundings at this age. They can become distracted during the day, aka let me discover the world rather than feed, i’ll make up for that later tonight. This can lead to more waking in the night to make up the calories they missed out on in the day. 

Your baby might feed more often to regulate your supply to meet their growing needs.

There is a shift in sleep cycles becoming more adult-like around this age, but as mentioned previously there is zero evidence that this is occurring exactly at four months. Your baby may wake between sleep cycles more easily.

Your little gymnast is perfecting their flip and roll to their tummies, if they start practising this in the night, I mean what else is there to do at 3 am, you might find they wake and call for you more as they get stuck tummy down. Make sure they are not swaddled if they are showing any signs of rolling.

6ISH MONTHS

Your baby will suddenly start to look more like a little person! This is a rapid time of growth. 

They are continuing on their gymnast training trying to perfect the full roll and sitting or if you have a super keen bean they might start practising their crawling skills. Again those quiet moments in the night can be prime opportunities to practise these new skills and when they wake in the night they might need more support to get back to sleep. 

As their brains grow your baby can process more and more sensory information, in fact it can become a little bit overwhelming for them at this age. This sensory overwhelm has them needing to keep you a little bit closer for comfort and safety, both day and night. 

8-10 MONTHS

So many different things are joining the developmental party around this age, and it is not surprising that around eight months is when parents report most sleeping ‘problems’.

With teething, eating more solids, nailing crawling, cruising and pulling up along with an explosion of vocal communication  it's no wonder that sleep is collateral damage during these months. 

Our babies are now more aware of us going away from them and this is the peak age of separation anxiety, so they want to keep you close. Around this time there is often a transition from 3 -2 naps and this can have an impact on nighttime sleep totals too. 

12 & 18 monthS

Woooohoooo Mama look at me walking, your baby may be taking their first steps and learn to walk. As they become more mobile and able to move further away from you their separation anxiety again peaks.

As their independence grows so does their feistiness, suddenly they might only want to pink pjs or no longer want to sleep in their sleep space - they begin testing boundaries, wanting to know that you have still got them no matter what. 

More teeth start coming through including some of the more painful molars.

The shift around this age from 2 naps to one can again disrupt night time sleep and we see a lot of night time battles as our littles start having too much sleep in the day leading to not needing as much at night. 

A lot of our worry is unnecessary

It is hard as a mama to not be misled by the vast amount of information out there, sleep progressions are one of those things that can be a minefield. 

It is another example of where normal biological sleep behaviour and development has been pathologized by a sleep industry preying on our vulnerability and dollars. 

There is a universal panic among mamas that they are about to never ever sleep again unless they do something about it NOW. The thing I want you to know is that it may actually never come, or the blip on the sleep radar might be so small it almost goes unnoticed, so perhaps it isn’t worth worrying about.

We cannot prevent our children from developing, our days and nights spent anxiously worrying over changes to sleep can make things worse, as a family we are one nervous system and our babies feed off our energy. So the best thing we can do is to look after ourselves and our needs and keep on responding to the child in front of us..

As my sleep guide Sleep Matters suggests we can establish some responsive sleep habits that don’t involve modifying our children's behaviour aka sleep training.  You can work with your infant's biology to make any changes that come with sleep due to development short lived. There are ways you can slip back into whatever pattern they did once they mastered the walking, talking, defying you while keeping them close and supporting them through these huge changes inside of their little bodies. There are things you can do to support yourself when sleep naturally dips on the rollercoaster of development.

If you need support or help around sleep or things have suddenly changed all the info you need is in my ever popular sleep guide. Or you can reach out for a session with me deets HERE.