Honest chatter: Our decision (or indecision) to have a third child when our kids are 6 & 3
Today I am speaking to our personal experience in deciding to go for a third child. It definitely wasn't a clear decision, and honestly? It probably won't help you to decide either.
Life isn't black and white, and neither is this. I let you in on my personal adjustment to finding out I was pregnant and share with you our worries and our excitement.
Hop on over and follow me on Insta @mamamatters.au, and if you like it here, I will love you forever if you leave a rating and review.
Hey Mama, I have a Sleep Guide for you! For birth to 18 months, this guide is steeped in evidence and laced with compassion. And you can download the first chapter absolutely free HERE.
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As always, thanks for being here- if you enjoy this poddy I would LOVE if you could give a rating and a review. It means the world to me.
xx
TRANSCRIPT
Fiona Weaver 00:05
Hello love and welcome to the mama chatters podcast. If you're keen to ditch all of the parenting shoulds and want to uncomplicate super parenting, you are in the right place. I'm your host, Fiona Weaver, founder of mama matters, and through honest chats with experts and each other, will help you to cut through all of the noise and to love the heck out of your imperfect and authentic parenting. Wherever and whoever you are. You belong here. Now, let's have a chat.
Fiona Weaver 00:37
Hello, my love's I hope you are having a lovely week. I hope you enjoyed that chat with Dr. Elise McNeil on the mental labor in motherhood. It was seriously one of my favorite conversations. And I really hope that you got a lot out of it to this week, I am just checking in for a little solo app and I am talking to a question that I get asked all the time, is how we decided to have a third baby. So if you're new, here I am 20 plus weeks pregnant with our third, our kids are almost seven and almost four, we've got both their birthdays coming up in the next couple of weeks. And it was never really our plan until more recently. So I'm going to walk you through that a little bit.
Fiona Weaver 01:24
I want to preface this by saying I understand that it's a real privilege to have a choice about having another baby. I know that this might be triggering for some people who are experiencing infertility or loss. And I just want to say I see you. And if this is not going to help you today, then I would encourage you to come back another time. So my husband bras and I always knew that we wanted to have kids but we fell pregnant with KNOX very quickly. We had only known each other about eight months or so my parents hadn't even met him before. So that was a fun conversation to have. And it's always a laugh between our family knowing that Ross came down to meet my parents when I was already pregnant, not really how your dad wants to meet the father of your child.
Fiona Weaver 02:19
But it all worked out. We are married get all you know, we've been together for a while they are so that was lucky. But yes, we had Knox and then we always knew that we wanted to have more than one child. And it wasn't until about when Knox was over two that I felt like I started to have space to think about having another child. And it always baffled me when I would be speaking to friends and mums groups and things and people had babies, little babies, and they were talking about getting ready for their next one. And I just thought how could he have the capacity for me and I know that now talking with other people, many people feel the same. Just not having that space to entertain the idea for so long. I found motherhood all consuming and I think particularly having a baby who was highly sensitive, who needed a lot of proximity. And they needed a lot of support was high energy, low sleep needs all of that kind of stuff. I just thought
Fiona Weaver 03:25
I just cannot even fathom thinking about another child right now. It was only around the time that we got married, which was when Knox was probably two and a bit that we started thinking about when do we want to have another child. And then we fell pregnant with zali before we really wanted to, to be honest. So they ended up being a three year gap between Knox and Zaarly. And I personally found that gap lovely. It was still
Fiona Weaver 03:57
long enough time for me to recover my body recover my mind to really find my feet in motherhood. I mean, has anyone ever found their feet but you know, it gave me space to just be the parent of one child and get used to that before I introduce another one. It also meant that Knox was old enough to be able to be patient sometimes to be helpful. He's not. He's not like particularly helpful kid. But he was old enough to sort of reason with and to understand a lot about keeping a baby safe and whatnot. I found that I was so worried about how he would adjust to having a baby because he is quite sensitive. But I tell you what this kid was put on earth to be a big brother and he Shawn in those first couple of years like I was so I felt so grateful that he was the way he was. I never expected too much of him. He took a little while to come around to her and in the first few days I see these pictures of big brothers and sisters holding and cut
Fiona Weaver 05:00
cuddling and kissing their little babies, sisters or brothers in the hospital, it was not like that. And we never forced it. He took days to get to the point of asking for a cuddle. And I will never forget that day where he cuddled her and he was beaming. But he was just very beautiful with her. He enjoyed her. He loved her, he was protective of her. He, it wasn't until she was turning sort of two, that they started to get in each other's way a little bit. But before then he was great. They fight all the time. Now, they're so annoying. But I am very grateful for those first couple of years of that adjustment period that he didn't really hurt her or take things out on her, he was happy to take things out on us.
Fiona Weaver 05:50
But I do think that the age gap really helped with that adjustment time. Now, as zali grew out of things, I could not wait to get those things out of the house bassinet. As soon as she was too big for it gone, baby clothes, gone to all of my friends, literally everything that she grew out of was out of my house on the same day. And we were very confident that we were done with two, we felt very happy with what with what we had. We didn't feel like we had capacity for any more children. And that just felt right for us. So I have never, ever felt like there has been anything missing from our family. I was very happy with what we had. And I felt really lucky to have what we had. But as time went on, my husband started planting the seed. And I remember being home at my parents house in Mount Gambia around the pool table. And my husband saying this was Easter last year, my husband saying I think I want another baby. And I was like,
Fiona Weaver 06:52
Are you drunk? Like this is not our plan. And then it just planted the seed. And then we started thinking about it and imagining what that might be like. And he just sort of said, I just feel like I can see us with a bigger family. I and I started to see it too. But I was never ready to really commit to having another child, I felt like we were just getting into the that period where things were a little bit easier, we had a little bit more freedom. Our kids were a bit independent, you know the story.
Fiona Weaver 07:22
But once once the seed was planted, we just couldn't quite let it go. And we got to a point where we said, let's just see what happens. Let's not try in inverted commas. But if it happens, it happens. And then every month, it wouldn't happen. And I got obsessed with taking pregnancy tests. It's just who I am. I can't wait for things. So I'd take all these pregnancy tests. And I would always think I was pregnant. And then I wasn't but I wasn't feeling grief or disappointment. When I wasn't pregnant, I would just think, Oh, I've got another month to think about it. So it was almost a relief. Like I wasn't ready to have a positive pregnancy test anyway, yet the next month, we sort of let it happen again. So that went on for about six or seven months, I think. And then one month, I did get the positive pregnancy tests.
Fiona Weaver 08:20
And I was like, oh my god, what have we done? We have not thought this through. I'm actually pregnant now. Is this really what we want? And I don't think that my husband, my husband had the same feelings. I think he was just stoked. But I remember calling him. And it wasn't like an announcement like, oh my god, we're pregnant. He was like, Ross, I need to talk to you. I've just done a pregnancy test and it's positive.
Fiona Weaver 08:50
And he's like, okay, all right. Awesome. And I was thinking, I have to take knocks to karate now. And just pretend that nothing ever happened. And that night, we were supposed to catch up with friends. And I said, I just need to be at home by myself. I need to have a bath and journal. And that's when I use journaling is when I just have so much going on in my head. I need space to think about it. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone. I just need space to sit down and write things out. And I actually revisited this little journal entry. I say it's a journal it was just in a notes on my phone. But it helped me to really see how I was feeling and make sense how I was feeling and I'm going to read it to you. I've just found out I am pregnant. For the last six or so months. We have toyed with the idea of having another baby part of me wanting to part of me resistant to come in. We tried and every time the test said negative I wouldn't be sad, but we'll still try again next month. Obviously not ready to let the idea go. And today I just felt like I should have had my period by now. Despite taking a million
Fiona Weaver 10:00
have a negative test this week. And after school and before karate, there I sat with my face in my hands in absolute shock. It was positive, positive to a pregnancy. Positive to another baby. Despite our kids being over grown up, one who's going into year two, and one is going into her final year of kindy. Here we are, again starting from zero. Are we absolutely crazy? Or is this just our family as it's meant to be? Either way, I'm pregnant. That's what's happening.
Fiona Weaver 10:31
No fluffing about here nor there anymore. We are having another baby. And when I think of the sheer adoration bond and absolute fucking love you have for that baby once they earthside I'm not worried. I'm excited to feel that again. There is nothing in this world that compares to that elation of falling in love with your new baby. But here are my worries. can I handle it? I'm so quick to overwhelm. I'm constantly overstimulated. Won't another child be another person competing for my attention? What if through having a third item sent over the edge and my children lose the fun often psycho but also fun mum they know and love. What if they don't like having a baby? That it's not what they wanted. After all, that it just takes away from them rather than gifts them.
Fiona Weaver 11:17
And then I would write some reframes or some responses to my worries. I said, I felt the same. When I was pregnant with Sally. I wasn't sure how Knox would adjust. It was the best thing that ever happened to him. I will have more one to one time with the baby with Sally and candy and Knox in school. I may get more stressed. Sometimes I can also be fun to the baby will bring so much joy. And other worry. I keep thinking of telling the moms at school and feeling like a dickhead. Not because they'll judge me but because they are all celebrating this small one starting school next year, and I'll be starting way back again. I'm self conscious about telling them because I won't be able to handle their reactions. My response, it genuinely doesn't matter what they think it's not their baby or their family. I truly adore babies. I am lucky to start again. That's a privilege to not feel so sad about those days been behind me I get to watch them grow from a tiny baby to a school aged child with a much more confident family. Another worry, Sally and Knox are best buds. What if a third baby just fucks with the dynamics. My response, the gap is so big that I don't see how it will at least not for many years, I the baby will probably be two and a half by the time they start playing. Then Knox and Sally will be 10 and seven they're not really going to play together it will be a completely different relationship it will be more nurturing and taking care of the little one. zali and Knox's relationship may change naturally over the years regardless.
Fiona Weaver 12:44
Another worries logistics, third kid going through childcare, all the fees and other car seat and other car. We need a bigger house, we might be okay. But I do believe the tightness of this house affects my overwhelmed room being taken up by floor beds and babies again.
Fiona Weaver 13:01
This is actually so funny to read. And then I would say imagine the baby giggling at their brother and sister. The big kid soothing them when they're crying. The big kids problem solving together to help the baby. The big one maybe by then being genuinely helpful, the smaller one naturally helpful and will love to bring me nappies and things. I mean the big one being Knox and the small one being Zaarly my husband and Sally's relationship will strengthen just as it did with KNOX when I had that second baby, it's a chance to truly enjoy a baby without such stress of life. It's not our first time Ross and I a solid money isn't as hard anymore. And things I will grave my working days Why and for a while, my early solo mornings, and one to one time with both kids. And here's what I will risk. Having a high risk pregnancy or something being wrong with the baby or me during pregnancy, having a traumatic birth or long term physio stuff, having a really unsettled baby or something medically challenging for the baby. And then I would respond to myself with this stuff and reassure myself that anything can and does happen. And that is something you know, a harsh reality that I learned through social working at the hospital. Anything can happen to anyone at any time. And having a baby is risky. It's really risky. And I think that that is really amplified in those early moments, especially for me, I'm not sure how everyone else feels. But for me in those early weeks and months, and particularly with this pregnancy being a little bit older, and you know, I'm 35 Now, I have had two healthy babies, two healthy pregnancies. And a part of me felt really anxious during these first couple of months because I almost felt like I was due for tragedy. I was due for a miscarriage. I was due for a loss. I have been way too fortunate to not act
Fiona Weaver 15:00
perience any of that yet? And part of me just felt like that was going to happen. So every time I felt any bodily sensations or anything, I was like, oh, there it is, it's happening.
Fiona Weaver 15:14
So I just want to normalize some of that, because I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling that way. And I have always been
Fiona Weaver 15:25
an advocate for not waiting for the magical 12 weeks to share your news, I think that I have always felt comfortable sharing with whoever I feel comfortable being vulnerable with. So if something was to happen, who would I be comfortable with sharing that space with. And so I would always be really open with friends like close friends and family, who I would want to be there for me, if I went through any sort of loss or grief around to pregnancy. I also thought that I would share on social media to try to break down that stigma around the 12 week mark, but it just at the time, it didn't feel right. And so I listened to that. So we waited a little while for all of the scans and things for a little bit more reassurance. And then I shared when it felt right for us, which ended up being around 1213 weeks, I think. So we never really decided to have a third baby, I guess we kind of did without actually being super intentional about it. But I think that was the way it was always going to happen for us. And that was through probably my non commitment. And part of the reason is because I like a good time, I enjoy having a wine with my family and my friends and I was enjoying getting into my career, and I still am. And so it was something that I never felt like I could really throw myself into. But once I adjusted to being pregnant, which was instantly really after that journaling session, and after counseling myself through that, I am so excited to have another baby I truly am, I think it's going to be such a different experience going through at this time with my older kids who will be seven and a half and four and a half, they will be so into it. They are so excited. I am excited to be doing it not in the full chaos of having a house of small children. I never wanted the whole to under two, three under three things that just does not appeal to me whatsoever. I love seeing it in other people. And I can absolutely see the benefits of having kids close in age. But for me, no, thank you. So I am really excited. And I still have worries, I still have anxieties about the pregnancy. But generally, I know that this is the right thing for our family. Now.
Fiona Weaver 17:59
I think something else that helps me to feel confident in our decision or non decision is that beings seven and for my kids, I know that everything is a season. And so there will be a period of time where I feel totally depended on by the baby, I know that I take a long time to come out of postpartum. But I shouldn't say come out of postpartum. But I know that some people are, you know, back up and running back to work back to you know, short periods of separation from their baby. I like my baby's clothes for a little while. And I know that that can feel heavy sometimes and restricting. And I am prepared for that this time because I know that that doesn't last forever. There will be times where you get more chances to be with your partner one on one where you get to duck out of the house and not everyone cries when you leave, that there will be time again where I can wake up early before my kids and have that time to the time to myself in the day. I know that there will be really hard times but I know that there is another side to all of them. Admittedly, I'm pretty worried about work. Because in my previous days of having babies, I was working for someone else. I had maternity leave. So I had a good 12 months off where we were still getting money. Not a lot, but it was okay. It was predictable. This time, I still need to make money because we simply can't afford to live on one income. So that will be something new that we need to navigate. But I will just be having to get creative in my business around other ways to generate an income that isn't doing so much of the one to one work or anything that I want to be really careful about committing to things that are going to cause me stress when the baby won't let me do them. So one to one
Fiona Weaver 20:00
Calls For example, I'm not going to do any of those whilst, you know trying to work in with baby naps because I know that baby naps are unpredictable, and I can't rely on them. So I'm going to be thinking about ways that I can shape my business to support us and support you whilst I'm in this period. So there you go. I don't think this would actually help you. If you are on the fence about having a third child, I don't think I've given you any answers. Because if you know me by now, you know that I don't give black and white answers. Life is nuanced. So I will take you along for the ride. I don't think there is a perfect age gap. I don't think there is a perfect number of children, every family and situation is so wonderfully unique. So this is our messy, wonderful little family and this is what we are doing. And yeah, if you have any questions or anything like that, please feel free to reach out. I'm an open book. And I hope that you have enjoyed listening to my private life. I will see you back here on Thursday for a lengthier episode and interview with someone in the field. So I will see you back here for that chapter soon. Thank you so much for listening to mama chatters if you enjoyed this episode, let's continue the conversation on Instagram at MAMA matters.au Be sure to share this app with your family and friends. And don't forget if you liked it, please leave a rating and review wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you again and I will see you next time.
