P2: Health anxiety, OCD and Panic Attacks: Fiona and husband Ross' raw chat about living with (and living with someone with) health anxiety
The second part to our raw, honest and open chat about living with health anxiety and how we navigate it as a family.
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TRANSCRIPT
Fiona Weaver 00:02
All right. Next question. Did you find having children further triggered symptoms? This person has said, this has been huge for me. There's another question the same thing did have kids having kids put pressure on the relationship? If so, more with one or two, less anxiety?
Ross 00:21
I am going to answer this question and say, I don't know what sorry, not? I don't know. No, I don't think it has for my particular case of anxiety, because I'd already experienced that level of anxiety prior to kids. I will say, however, though, that my anxiety can be triggered. Not trying to answer this correctly, so bear with me a second. There's no correct my love. No, I'm just trying to like say it, how I mean to say it, if that makes sense. They can sometimes trigger my anxiety, not from things that they're doing or stress stuff, because I don't trust them. And it's not their job to, but I can't trust them in the time, where I'm having like, a bad day, and I need to feel safe. And that sucks. Because it's not their job to look after me know. And I don't ever expect them to. But that's how my brain can work sometimes from like, Okay, well, like, if I'm feeling really anxious, or when you're having some Well, no, you haven't some well deserved time away from the family is that I will often not take the kids out and keep them at home. And still have trying to have the best time I can but at home, because that's where I feel safe. Not all the time when I'm in when I'm having like a good run, then I feel a lot more calm. It's a confidence thing. It's a confidence in it like, but in my own body, like my body feels good. I feel confident in my body. Therefore I feel more confident to be able to it's not parenting confidence. No, I don't feel like I'm like, I love being a dad. Like,
Fiona Weaver 02:32
there was like a milestone when you can't remember what I was doing. But you had a whole day and you took the kids to the markets and then to the butcher and then to just all this stuff, like just had a day out with the kids. And that was such a milestone.
Ross 02:47
Yeah, I took them to timezone and bought like, a lot. And I like it when I'm in that moment. It's like, it's like they're the best days. Like, and that's the hardest part is when you're when I'm in that really heightened anxiety level, like I can, I can even think back to those moments, but it's not. At the time, the risk is too high.
Fiona Weaver 03:15
The risk of you having an episode and the kids not being able to deal with it.
Ross 03:19
Or them and there's two levels of anxiety that's that. them or that level of how competent are they to look after me when they don't have to? I'm not saying that. But that's kind of how my brain works. And the other thing is like, no kid should have to see their father. kocot die. Yeah. And that's kind of like, oh, it makes me it's really sad to hear that. I know. I know. And I know how like, messed up that sounds. It really is so messed up. But like, Wait
Fiona Weaver 03:54
messages about that, too. Yeah. I don't want the kids to see me like this. If I'm out. That's really hard.
Ross 04:02
Yeah, it sucks. And like that, that's like the real dark side of it. And that's like, and it's super fucked up to be honest, but it like, you know, I won't I wouldn't be the only person to think that stuff at that time. Because it's super like, and it's not all like sighs not all the time but when that that one is like really bad when things bad? Yeah. Yeah. And it's hard to like. Again, you just snap out of it. You can. It's a toggle. It is honestly the best way to describe this tug of war like you literally you know that what you're saying? Like this whole week with this chest stuff. It's been 6040 in my head 60% I truly believe I've have some sort of angina or heart attack and the for even like even now, not now. I'm probably a bit less than that now, but definitely the first four days of law Sweet, sorry. And the 40% was like, What are you talking about? Like, you just rode to work? Yeah, like, if you had angina, I don't think you'd be able to breathe. Or I mean, again, I'm not an expert on angina, but
Fiona Weaver 05:15
you can reason with yourself, but doesn't actually yeah,
Ross 05:17
but then I'll sit down and work and I'd be like, Oh, fuck that. What was that? Like? What was it? Like? I started what was that was like that time it doesn't feel right. That's a bit weird. And then bang, you like the and look at
Fiona Weaver 05:29
you. You're in the best shape of your life. You're a fit guy. You work out every day. You really bloody well. Settle down. All right, let's keep going. This is fun. It is fun, isn't it? Some of the things that trigger your health anxiety, obviously any sensation in your body,
Ross 05:53
it's well it is it's physical sensations, which is like like,
Fiona Weaver 06:03
your heart beating,
Ross 06:04
yeah. Which is crazy. But like when like it's not my heart beating. Like you just feel it. That's all the time before you. You're so in tune with your body that you know even Oh, man. Any sort of bloody,
Fiona Weaver 06:19
or any, like you said, rational bite or anything or
Ross 06:23
Yeah. You just you automatically go to the worst case scenarios is like there's a buyer my arm. Oh, it's right. Could it be very rare? red back spider. Oh, no, you gotta you just
Fiona Weaver 06:38
sometimes it's pretty like it's it's never funny in the moment, but I joke about it a lot. Many mornings, you come to me and like fi? Can you just have a look at this. So I'm really afraid to mark on your body that I just have to be like, I would have those marks all over me. But I do not check my body every time I wake up.
Ross 07:00
But I do a lot of the time. Sometimes I will do it to get have a laugh a little bit just. Yeah, because there's songs. I'm like, What do you reckon about this? And you'll just start laughing and be like, Yeah, okay. Relax.
Fiona Weaver 07:17
Poke Yeah, Jim. No question. Just sending you both love it. Yeah. Thanks, Jen. Do you worry about self harm physically hurting yourself?
Ross 07:27
Ah, no. For me personally. No, it's not. I don't. I haven't, ever. And I think I explained it once. That might again, my personal thing is like, for me personally, it's, I'm right now I'm afraid of that happening. Are you? Well, no, I mean, sorry. I don't I don't want it like I gotta say, like, to self harm myself, or because I think my mum asked me once, like, she asked me, am I suicidal? She said to me once. And I said, for me personally. No, because I'm for me to do that. Right. And like a bit. I'm afraid for that to happen. Yeah. So it's Oh, yeah. So I mean, so like, it's not like I again, I said before, I know, eventually I'm going to pass away, but my fear is to die right now. So I haven't ever thought about self harm. In my situation,
Fiona Weaver 08:36
I feel like you psychologically self harm. If you can go into these. Like where you berate yourself? Yeah. Which is pretty hard. Um, how open are you with the kids age appropriate stuff? How do they advocate when they just can't say, let's break that down? How open? Are we with the kids?
Ross 09:06
pretty open? I'd say we don't I think their problem No, it's not their problem. But like, if I'm, I'll always say to Knox Zaarly. This doesn't, she doesn't understand. But like Knox Knox all. If he asked if I'm okay. Then sometimes I say I've just having some bad anxiety today. Yeah. And he asked me like what that means. And I just say to them, I think we've had conversation about it feels like butterflies in your stomach a little bit of worry, or I have a worry Yeah, or something like that. And he's like, ah, and he's he's very cute about it. Really?
Fiona Weaver 09:44
Yeah, I think that there used to knowing like if they're trying, if they're hyperactive and they're trying to climb all over you or something and you are like in panic, then we have to say, data is having a hard time. He like you can't climb on him. Let's just give him some space. Yeah. But otherwise, it's just like your dad is having a bad day today or dad is having a hard time today. He'll be okay. Yeah. And that's about him. Knox. He did say the other day. Am I good to catch anxiety?
Ross 10:20
It really worries me actually with noxee. Because he's got he's definitely got anxious, he's got anxious, anxious tendencies. And he doesn't want like, I'm not. It sounds like and it worries me because I the only reason it worries me because I don't want him to have to live through the type of anxiety that I've had to live through. At the moment. Yeah. But I'm also confident in the fact that if he did, I would be able to help him or be with I'd know exactly how to assist him.
Fiona Weaver 10:54
Yeah. He definitely doesn't have any anxiety related to health. It's more just his ease. He's not excited about new situations.
Ross 11:04
No, like your social anxiety stuff. I think he has. No, that's not the right. Well on
Fiona Weaver 11:10
social anxiety, things just like fear of new things. Like he likes what's safe.
Ross 11:15
Yeah. Which I need to ask my parents if I was like that as a kid. I don't remember being like that. But maybe it was.
Fiona Weaver 11:24
I was. I was definitely like that, like, what KNOX is like, now I was like that. Yeah. Have you ever had a mental breakdown from the anxiety slash paranoia? If it gets too much? You have mental breakdowns all the time. But it's not paranoia? No, it's what it is.
Ross 11:43
But not like, it depends on I guess the term may define? Yeah, like I haven't. I've had times where I just need to really take some time. Like the first couple of the first time it happened I took a week off work and just like God, and I shut down all systems essentially. Yeah. And wanted to be in the sun a lot and all that jazz, but I don't like yeah, I don't really know how to answer that question. It's a good question, but I don't know I don't think I've had it. Okay, it's very subjective. It is yeah, I don't know if I've had that'd be our best work management there'd be people that have had I guess way more mental worst mental breakdowns and I've had but I've definitely had points where I'm like, I just need to shut everything down for a week and Yeah, and just do not do nothing and don't know even go to appointments. I that week I had off I like I really I sat outside a lot and read books, or listen to Audible or podcasts or anything. I tend to educate myself like when I get really anxious.
Fiona Weaver 13:02
Has anything ever been missed by the doctors before? Or family and friends?
Ross 13:07
Um No but that a couple of doctors had and they had every right to do it but they they got I can't remember the bloody background of it but the
Ross 13:36
I've stopped talking because now I had this like memory that's popped up from this doctor and manager bar that I went to and mom was in the room with me actually. What happened is breakthrough coupe. This was after my buddy the soccer pitch incidentally. I was talking to him about Faro. I was talking to him about my chest, my heart. And he was like and I said to him, like I just feel like my heart's making them weird thing far out. I actually forgot about it.
Ross 14:06
So far out again. And I I remember him now saying I wonder if mom remembers this. But he said Oh, yes, I'd like hearts can do that sometimes when you really fit
Ross 14:24
what and I was playing the like football and soccer problem. And then I got the receptionist called me and said that I had high cholesterol over the phone. And then I went back and he said there's nothing to worry about. And so I just got two conflicting information because I had to go in talk about my cholesterol but when I went in there, he said it has nothing to worry about. And then fast forward a few years. It was just like it was actually with God I know what the doctor was. And it wasn't he I know I understand what he was doing. But like I was they had picked up that I'd had these ectopic beats, but they didn't. They just said it was that there's nothing wrong with your heart get on with it. Essentially, he didn't say those words, but that's how I took it. But I got the report. But I didn't think anything of it. And then like, when I've gone back to it. I hadn't had them then if that makes sense. But they don't need to report it. Because it's so like, common. Yeah. And it's not like, Yeah, well, yeah. I mean, to put it into perspective, people have like, can have up to 20 I think there was one guy that had 20,000 a day, I had 15, over 48 hours. So the difference is crazy. But again, I just feel Yeah. So no, not necessarily the dogs haven't missed something, essentially. Well, not that I know of.
Fiona Weaver 16:10
But better get some more checks. But there
Ross 16:12
are times I think where they if they're obviously if they think they're legally bound to say something. If it for them, like insurance wise or something if they believe something's completely wrong, they're told me about I have a hard time believing that sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not very good at answering all these questions.
Fiona Weaver 16:36
Here's a question. Fiona, how do you cope? Do you always respond calmly and supportively? To his anxiety? I'm gonna throw that one to you. Am I always calm and supportive?
Ross 16:49
Um, most of the time, you
Fiona Weaver 16:53
know, you are I do my best I am.
Ross 16:56
I could see Yeah, I can. But you respond. You do this thing where you like, and I don't blame you. Because I think the way you handle it is like, but you, but like you. You kind of give me support. But with this strange, like, look for it's an app because I can be a bit I can see like a I can see it's almost like I've come up to you and I've just gone. Here's like 50 kilos. You hold it for me while I go through it. And it's, it's shit for you. It really is like, it's not just like it. I mean, it's shit for me too. But like, it's hard for you to just sit there and watch it and know that doesn't matter what you do. Or you can't really do anything apart from just be around.
Fiona Weaver 18:02
I think that's like the layers. One layer is that you disappear. So the rest of everything is on me. Another layer is I have to hold. Since I have to, I need to hold space for you. Yeah, another layer is I'm also trying to hold space for the kids. Yeah, another day, like falling apart when you're having a moment. But I have to do the jobs. Look after you. I don't I don't actually feel like I need to look after you. Like you are pretty good these days at just saying hey, I'm having a hard time. And it's more about pulling you over. Staying close? Yeah. But then it's just holding you holding the kids. And then I don't know if I can explain it. But it's like my shark music circles security terms. It's my short music. Like, as soon as you go to that place, I'm just like, well, I'm, I guess I'm doing all this then. And I'm on my own. And also, you're going to need me to stay close. Like, sometimes if I feel like you're going through that I want you to just just do it. Go through it. And then just leave me to do what I need to do. Because I feel like I didn't just in task mode.
Ross 19:18
Yeah. Like I honestly feel when I'm like that i i feel like another kid for Yeah. Which to be honest, is
Fiona Weaver 19:32
it's different. You don't feel like another kid. No, but like honestly,
Ross 19:35
I I'm not saying it's like I just feel like but I mean, I feel like I'm just like I'm taking up I base that you don't have left.
Fiona Weaver 19:49
I'd rather you not be there than to be there and to not be there. But I don't want you to be there. That that's It's triggering for me when you're there, but you can't contribute.
Ross 20:05
I get it. And I can feel it too. Like it's not I know. And that's the hardest part is like you sit there and you're like, I know that should be doing X, Y, and Zed.
Fiona Weaver 20:23
You're seeing it all happen around you, but you can't actually hop up and
Ross 20:27
yeah, like it's like, but you
Fiona Weaver 20:30
Sally's coffee. And she goes, yeah.
Ross 20:36
But you just feel I feel. Yeah, you can't like it's so strange. It's almost you just don't have your brains like, shut I don't say shut down, but you just completely like it is the compartment of where you shouldn't be making decisions is like closer business until you've gone through what you need to go through.
Fiona Weaver 20:56
Yeah. Well, even when I just say, in the background, I like pressing on your chest, or taking your pulse, or doing something that's Checky. I'm just triggered by it. Because I think because in my mind, I'm like, here we go again.
Ross 21:12
And I'm just trying to solve the problem. Yeah. In my head. I'm like, solve a problem for touches a few times and like, okay, it was in my heart's beating exactly how it should be. or pain in my chest. Let me have a check of it. If I keep going palpating over this duration. I'm like, oh, yeah, that's like that muscle there. And like, it doesn't go away. I'm gonna do some push ups. Is it there's again, worse, like, I'll do like self tests and myself. When I do, it's just so weird. Like, when I do push up, just get my heart rate up to be like, okay, like, my heart rates at 120. How do I feel? Ya feel pretty good. Okay, let's push it at 150 and see how that feels. Like, if I go any further, I might have a heart attack like these things like, these are the questions that are cycling around in my brain all the time. pretty healthy, I'd say.
Fiona Weaver 22:02
So busy. So now I'm not always calm and supportive. I do try to be but I'm also very triggered easily by an irritable and probably bit snappy.
Ross 22:16
That's fair enough, though. Like you give yourself such a hard time over.
Fiona Weaver 22:18
I do. I feel like a lot of guilt.
Ross 22:21
But you shouldn't. I do because I don't like when you snap at me. I'm not like, I can't believe you just did that when I'm going through.
Fiona Weaver 22:30
Like I'm dying right here and slamming doors and
Ross 22:34
visit like I truly understand, like, I completely understand why. Because it you have to you have to understand as well that whilst I'm feeling everything and going through it. I'm also a part of these on the outside looking in at myself and going like, you're right, mate. It's okay. Like you're going through it doing the same thing that you're doing to me. So I also understand that perspective of it. And I like I'm also there like your fucking pussy. And it's not I know it's not healthy. But like, come on, like, shake, shake it off. It's fine. You've been through like, 27 of these now, in the last week.
Fiona Weaver 23:14
Or last 24 hours. It's yeah. It is hard. Because also when when you're in that space, nothing I do actually helps you like I've given up on actually saying things that I think are gonna help. I don't think there were times where I was like, You are safe. And that was all I would say yes, everything. And you got so frustrated, like, fucking annoys you when you say that. And I'm like, I don't have anything else. Worked with psychologists. I'm done.
Ross 23:45
I know. And that's, that's again, it comes down to like,
Fiona Weaver 23:51
I always think like, you've been here before. We've been here before we were here yesterday, and everything was okay. So for me, in my wise mind, that's evidence to say, you've been here before you felt these feelings before and everything was okay. Yeah, but that doesn't help you.
Ross 24:07
It doesn't because again, in those moments, even though it's not a full blown panic attack, but like, it's like you're talking to a brick wall. But a gecko on the floor. Gary, Gary to get go, because I'm not I can't comprehend what you're saying. Yes, exactly.
Fiona Weaver 24:29
So another layer is I have to support you and you're seeking that support from me, but actually, you're not receiving any of it. No, because nothing will help. But you need me. But I can't help you.
Ross 24:44
Yeah. But some people also have the opposite. They just want to go away. Like as in like when I say go I mean, like they won't be by themselves to deal with it. Whereas my particular thing I just need There's not I mean, there's you are the main person, but there's also other people I feel comfortable with to have that, like JJ is one of them from work. Where I can, I'm okay to be anxious, anxious around him. Yeah. Which is fucking awesome. And my brother as well, which is really cool. But you're the main person because you wouldn't be the most? Well, probably about the same time they're supposed to run this, but I guess like i There are, I'll probably be be a little bit more defensive with the others than I am with you UCOP like the worst of it. Yeah. And a lot of the time, it's just just me seeing you there is enough for me to like, be okay.
Fiona Weaver 25:55
angry and yeah, rage cleaning and getting frustrated with
Ross 26:00
you? Yeah. I just feel like, I know, everyone talks about it a lot, but does really help talking about it. And I'm always happy to answer any questions to be honest, because I know like, if I always look for real life experiences to help me through a lot of shit. So if I see that, um, there's a few forums that I'm a part of them Facebook that sometimes kind of helped me out now and other people are going through it. And then there was one that we saw the other day that like, you know, some people are actually way worse than me. And it sounds bad to say like, I get reassurance from it. And I've really feel for that person, what they're going through, but kind of reassures me that or helps me work through it knowing that maybe I'm not I could be I mean, I don't know what level of health anxiety I have. But I think I might be at a level three for example, and there's people that are level 10
Ross 27:16
I don't know if that's the whole time and I'm telling you that really well, like then in this front of it gonna be Rosemary
Fiona Weaver 27:36
Yeah. Thanks for not telling me until the end.
Ross 27:39
I just thought you look cute. Yeah. No, I think that's all I got to say. Two minutes. I'll try to think about other dudes. That podcast I was talking about no podcast, I think it's like on YouTube or something like that. But I'm a Liver. Liver out now. became that much, but but thank you. That was actually really cool,
Fiona Weaver 28:10
isn't it? Yeah. We should have another chat. I'd like to invite you back onto my podcast. Oh, jokes. I can tell some jokes. Yeah. What do you got that when it's not appropriate. Okay. Thank you.
Ross 28:25
Thanks, guys.
